wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop