@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

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@Fred_Delicious

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

@notacroc

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

@FeelingMervis

UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.

@LlamaInaTux

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

@Aspersioncast

What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.

@lilgapeach30

8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*

Me: MY LORD

8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.

@karanbirtinna

Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.

@Home_Halfway

BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.

@theveganqueen

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

@PetrickSara

Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.