wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

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To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0


Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay


UGH. When I text girls that I have standards, I really need to stop abbreviating the word standards to STDs.


My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc


What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.


8 *walks into the house with covered in mud*


8: well that’s a nice way to greet me but no, just your son.


Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.


BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.


the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds


Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.