wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote![]()
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Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
WILL SMITH SLAPPED CHRIS ROCK??????
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?![]()
![]()
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
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[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes