Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?
Me: Did you laminate these yourself?
Wife: What would you do if I died?
Husband: I would go crazy
Wife: Would you re-marry?
Husband: Ah, not that crazy..
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“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex
Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?
Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Rage eats candy
I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”
“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”
Me: Where are the kids?
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy