Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
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I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.