@qwertying

Wife: What would you do if I died?

Husband: I would go crazy

Wife: Would you re-marry?

Husband: Ah, not that crazy..

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@cbme69

Waiter: Do you have any questions about the menu?

Me: Did you laminate these yourself?

@NicestHippo

“I just love making people laugh” – me, explaining why I do sex

@TitansHomer

Wife: What’s the Harlem shake?

Me: I don’t know, I think they sell them at Burger King?

@simoncholland

My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.

@BullenRoss

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

@KLBChicken

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

@NotBachibawlz

I yelled at my wife “Your miniskirt is way too short!!”

“Thats because its made for a woman” she replied “Now take it off & give it to me”

@Gupton68

Me: Where are the kids?

Wife: Mom’s

Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

W: Almost certainly not

@girlnarly

tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy