Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂

I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-

me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u

DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.

I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.

🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶

I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.

This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.

Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”

Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.

Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance

“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

My boss called in sick of me

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

Me: *crying*

Tween: *crying*

Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.

Me: We are.

Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.

See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:

Seems legit.

When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”

If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy

4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately

My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?