Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.
I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.