wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
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Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby