@iwearaonesie

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

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@daddydoubts

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

@LoveNLunchmeat

[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]

Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.

@murrman5

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@Parkerlawyer

My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.

Should I be alarmed?

This. Is. Not. A. Drill.

@AbbieEvansXO

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

@Tbone7219

You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?

@TheAlexP

[at bank]

Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island

@QuotingJokes

I love how the Ninja Turtles wear masks to hide their identity. It’s not like you’re a giant turtle or anything.

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.