Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hired a PR team.

They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.

I executed the PR team.

Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’

If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate

I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

[ first day working at a pet store ]

customer: can i see that fish bowl?

me: sure let me get his shoes

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.

Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.

Her: I chose you for your brains

Me: aww

Her: in case I ever become a zombie

friend: what day is it today

me: it’s mar 10

friend: like mario!

me: itsa mar 10

[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]

Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive

when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”

Feel. He’s so soft.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

*Puts couch down as emergency contact*

STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home

ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok

My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.

Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.