Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
You Might Also Like
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Beware…..
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them