Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
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“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
peeping toms
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?