Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31

For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear

COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no

age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home

age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.

me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard

Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.

My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

[first day as an ambulance driver]

ME: *crashes into a light pole*

PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not

Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?

Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?

*Knocks down spider web*

Spider: Rude

*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*

Spider: Unbelievable

yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case

It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.

i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

I get badly burnt by the sun, hate garlic and can be killed by a wooden stake through the heart. I wonder if there is something my uncle Vlad never told me.

Ancient wolves be like:

Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.

Some Things Never Change 😀

#archaeohistories