Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

Chicago sounds lovely.

She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.

none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks

If not now, then when? If not you, then who?

— the pile laundry on my loveseat begging me to fold it

What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?

Same middle name.

☺️

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories

As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack

Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:

My kids don’t live there.

[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”

I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.

Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.

Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.

[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much

Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?

Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet

Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower

A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse

when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.