@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff

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@IamEveryDayPpl

My husband has been missing for a week, the police say to prepare for the worst… So I went to the thrift store & got all his clothes back!

@JimmerThatisAll

This day in history. 1888. Police received the “From Hell” letter from Jack the Ripper threatening further monstrous attacks on the English language.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.

Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.

@OhhCathcart

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

@iwearaonesie

wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?

@palokin

Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it

@TraitorousFinn

*Kylo Ren pranks calls Finn*

Hey Finn I bet you shop at

*dramatic pause*

Traitor Joes!!!

*High fives Hux*

@KentWGraham

I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.

@simoncholland

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.