WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.