WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
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My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
a well-meaning but misguided stranger said my kids were so good they must go to church and my 6yo said, with the deadpan delivery of a trained actor, “what’s church”
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
all that yoga finally paid off
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.