Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear rock bands,

If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.

Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.

I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!

When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station

Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?

Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.

[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

Building contractors don’t want your help, Annie, even when you offer them your Altoids tin full of brads.

FRIEND: let’s hang out

ME: *takes out my accordion*

ENEMY: I changed my mind

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.

Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.

The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.

The only new feature was the ambulance ride.

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?

Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.

NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED