Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

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If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.


If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them


Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.


“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop


I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid


Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.


My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.


I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now


Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.