Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
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What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds?
“I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.