@AdamBroud

Wife: Whatchya thinking about?

Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.

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@Fickle_Filly

If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.

@longwall26

If a deadly alligator appears in the instant after you tell your friends you’ll see them later there is literally no way to warn them

@AngelaEhh

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

@ojedge

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

@Nikkeya08

I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid

@daddydoubts

Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?

Me: that’s not my hair.

Wife: then who’s hair is it?

Me: omg it’s a full moon.

Wife: so?

Me: *whispers* weresoap.

@KKAlThani

My personal trainer told me to stop eating pizzas but if I’m craving it I should just eat one slice. So now I ask them not to cut the pizza.

@dumbbeezie

I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now

@sixfootcandy

Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.