Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Two words: Egg Newtons™

Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.

Doctor: are you sexually active?

Me: I usually stay pretty still.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.

One more Forever that didn’t last.

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.

ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.

Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely af

Calling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck

[at dinner]

Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*

Wife: What are you doing?

Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom

The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go

I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.

Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.

Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

🔥🔥

I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.

Seeing a lot of posts about “rawdogging a flight” but can we discuss those absolute weirdos who rawdog the movie theater?

No popcorn, no drink, just watching a movie for two hours. At least smuggle in some Twinkies under your jacket.

Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.

It’s Fat Bear Week, and they have been storing fat all year for the coming winter. Cute, considering that I’ve been doing that for decades and get absolutely no recognition

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at 2 am.

#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,

it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.

Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.

There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her

[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.

“How many people have you slept with?”

– Someone who wants to hear a lie