Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color

so, is there a mister shapen head

I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.

What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.

My 6-year-old had to review the life of Abraham Lincoln, saw the drawing on the bottom right of this worksheet & asked, “How did he become so giant?” The drawing is of the Lincoln Memorial, proving that he’s as terrible a listener as I was in history class

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Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.

7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao

[Element Support Group]

Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

one of

I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.

I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice

Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task

“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”

(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003

why is everyone yelling about nude ears

This story lives rent free in my head:

Lord of the Rings star Sean Astin once asked Lesnie [LotR cinematographer] ‘where is the light coming from? ‘ when they were shooting in what should have been a darkened tower.

Lesnie replied, “Same place as the music.”

Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg

therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[First day as a doctor]

Patient: *throwing up blood*

Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?

Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”

DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs

ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry