Wife: what’d you do after work?
Me: I may have taken a nap
Wife: you may have or you did?
Me: I may have did
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Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
just told my cat that she and I invented cats sitting on laps. she has no way of knowing otherwise, and it’s nice for her to get a win, but… I worry. she believed me instantly—where is the critical thinking? and honestly I’m not happy with how easily the lie came out my mouth
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
Life hack
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer