Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?

At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

[first day working at DMV]

Me: I hope you like paperwork

Guy: I am not a fan

Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say

My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.

I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle

DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

no. that was two husbands ago. my great, great ex husband

WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom

[Upstairs Later]

ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.

How dare you say I’m crazy on the eve of my cats wedding

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly

There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore

doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!