wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
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“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Just got rid of cable and now I can afford a mansion.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.