Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods

No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder

I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t

The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.

Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.

Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?

Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.

FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning

*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”

YOGA CLASS

INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog

*loud thud

GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.

How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it

Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too

I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.

Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂

“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War

Some people exercise every day.

I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.

I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.

me at 20: i’ll do anything.

me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.

My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.

me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work

That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?

Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.

Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance

Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.