Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
This is my brand.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
“We should get tickets,” is as close to a rock concert as I get these days.
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
What if death gives you lemons?
What then??
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
When your diet is finally over.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40