Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
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A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Corn Dogs: Uninserted
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Today your brother-in-law will announce his plan to defeat ISIS. Happy Thanksgiving.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING