Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!

My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅

Why are hurricanes named only after girls?

Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair

The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.

*about to die*

Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!

*life flashes before my eyes*

Me: Oh, right.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

therapist : are you ever worried that-

me: Yes

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

At my funeral please take that bouquet of flowers off my coffin and throw it to the crowd to see who’s next

Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?

[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no

[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money

Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased

Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.

Flying cockroach: hahahahaha

Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”

My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.

*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*

Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.

My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth

She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face

He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.

3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in

How was your morning?

Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.

Delighted to report that we have a 100% safety record so far this yea… never mind.

When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.