Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho

You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances

Disappointed it’s raining this weekend

Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months

it’s time for some pepper spray

-me, in a crowded elevator

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.

Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS

Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.

Don’t let this happen to you!

Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.

My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.

Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.

Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?

Me, licking case: and jam.

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.

Fave #ChuckleBrothers gags. Barry to Paul in their beds in the middle of the night:

‘What time is it?’

‘Dunno. Pass me that trombone & I’ll find out.’

*blows trombone loudly*

Someone shouts: ‘WHO’S THAT PLAYING THE TROMBONE AT 2AM?’

😃

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

How does someone manage that 🤨

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.

The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.

This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”

And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.

People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Me: thanks duckter

Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*