Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!

Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.

Alcohol: *ears perk up*

It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.

extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like

My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

i thought i was gonna watch the craziest cooking show in history

[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me

wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?

me: she thought she could fly

wife: did you yell at her?

me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen

Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

[emptying spam]

ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend

Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda

going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.

Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though

Most Well-known Speeches:

1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln

2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King

3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.