WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
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A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
I had a parent text me saying her 7yo son wouldn’t believe that she knew how to do a math homework problem he was confused about, and would I please text back saying she is correct so that he will get ready for bed. 😂
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
Important reminders
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”