Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.

Husband: But you just woke up.

Me: Exactly.

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

[about to have sex]

me: fasten your seatbelt

her: oooh you’re good huh

me: no this is a race car bed

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

What happened to the metaverse? Are people still stuck in there? How can I help?

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Ok, but like, how married are you?

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.

“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?

*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”

{After Eclipse}

Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?

My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.

welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”

Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.

-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”

After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.

my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68f

me: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?

Meeeee too!

just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]

My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.