wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
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If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
my husband just committed the cardinal sin of asking my kid what she wants for Christmas so does anyone know where I can get a kids drum set at 6pm on Christmas Eve?
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Is this a threat?
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.