Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?

Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it

Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?

Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off

Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?

Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out

…we don’t have cleaners

Let me show you what this mouth can do..

[eats a cheeseburger]

If I were a bumblebee, this leg hair would be an asset.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened

With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.

LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings

ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people

You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.

“Yes, but what if 9 pregnant women could produce a baby in 1 month?”

-More or less every project manager I’ve ever worked for

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

Perfect.

AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE

Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.

Thanos: I killed half the universe.

Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.

Everyone:

Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms

I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet

[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]

M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?

Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.

M: *mumbles* works every time

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?

Asking for a friend.

* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon

whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.