WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
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Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
Me: No, please no more free bread. I’m never going to eat it all.
Italian: Here’s eighteen more rolls!
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
Co-worker: I know I’m not everyone’s cup of tea…
Me: Yeah, you’re my glass of ipecac.
meow
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
pet owners be like “this is my pet john but their nicknames are booboo and thicky boy ”
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Him: I think we should see other people
Me: *eating a cheese ball like an apple* why
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
I’m not afraid of ghosts because everyone who’s mad at me is still alive.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.