Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?

Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.

Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL

Wife:

Me: OMG! Say something!

Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.

But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?

Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again

She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok

*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*

He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe

RT if you know someone like this!!!

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base

I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything

I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.

Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.

My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

95% of the ocean is unexplored which means there could be a mcdonalds down there

I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.

*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*

“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”

[5 minutes later]

*Throws refrigerator out window*

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*

What do cheeky people drink out of?

A smug.

“What?”
– Jude