Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

Worst Native American name ever.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]

Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?

Me: Virus?

I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715

i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt

My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”

Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?

So they can be namaste at home moms.

HER: i love mythology

ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too

Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.

They did it with a straight face too.

Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.

Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.

A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?

How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.