Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
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[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
therapist: you’re overthinking
me: what if-
therapist: don’t
me: WHAT IF
therapist:
me: what if everyone else is underthinking
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Me: Sometimes when I’m eating string cheese I pretend I’m a medieval torturer trying to get a confession from a prisoner.
Therapist: So, anyway, I’m going to double your meds.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….