Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.

[Later]

Her: You passed our stop.

Me: I am aware.

My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.

[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd

they really wanted me dead for this

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?

ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks

I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.

No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy

Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.

Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions

I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.

An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.

Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there

It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim

Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.

I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money