Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen

also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign

also also me: you can both be right!

fourth me: you guys talk too much

Smooooooth

Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.

Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone

My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen

Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.

wanted: shrödingers cat

dead and alive

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

February
20°
NW Ohio

In a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

HER: so like, what are you into?

ME: coincidences

HER: no way, me too!

merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king

arthur: oh, this sword?

merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?

arthur: table

merlin: what?

arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle

Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.

wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge

Xylophonist Shredding It

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.

DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common

MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile

Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.

problems i need