Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
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[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
i got fired from my marketing job for pitching a reverse Hot Ones where we make famous people drink ten increasingly warm glasses of milk
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Cheer up.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
When the client says “make it pop”, I can’t help but wonder if it’s my sanity or the website design they’re talking about.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.