Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you get an I Voted sticker for voting early, you should be able to scan it on your TV and all political ads should be replaced by normal commercials

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down

ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper

Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.

I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.

When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.

Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.

Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.

*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*

*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*

*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*

There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.

If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

You can make friends in a doctor’s waiting room as long as you have something broken and not something coughing

my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl