Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say

Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.

I fixed the internet, am tech genius

*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working

For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it

They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…

that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.

You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.

-Me giving family advice

[Arby’s]

Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all

Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when

me: wanna hang out?

southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah

me:

My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

me: what do you want from me

wife: a divorce

me: i meant for christmas

Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.

Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan

I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?

I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.

The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins

Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed

Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.

*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”

My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.

me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size

wife: is that danny devito

twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again