wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
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“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
[surgeon in the recovery room] in addition to the hernia we also found $20 in change
[me who’s always been a good tipper] you’re welcome
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I’ll know I’m marrying the right person when we’ve both cancelled the wedding twice
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.