WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
We have a lot of famous Chrises;
Hemsworth, Evans, Pratt, Pine, and the infamous -tal Meth
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Can confirm.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
Some people are so fake there lock screens don’t recognise them
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror