Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Your wifi isn’t working

Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!

Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder

[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]

How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!

The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.

50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.

For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.

If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.

I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.

There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.

Wolves should really raise more people.

8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life

EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography

Dog politely drops hints that he’s interested in walking..🐕🐾😅

someone: *obvious flirt*

me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice

also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE

88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.

Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.

Her: Make me a mimosa.

Me: But we’re out of orange juice.

Her: I don’t see the problem.

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.

CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute

ME: sure of course no problem

Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.

You: I got a headache.

WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.

me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made

him: oh no, did you overreact-

me: no, I just threw them out

him: oh

me: then I ate the tacos

him:

Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.

What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”