Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
what the hell pray for carter everyone
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”