Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: weird but ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello soda

Me, a pilot:

“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.

The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

I’m looking for a guy in finance
Trustworthy
Six eyes
Blue pies

Okay, so he doesn’t exist but neither does the guy in the original version

Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.

A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

I’m only up to Covid 15.

No Spoilers Please!

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.

Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap

4-year-old: I am

Me: Then why are you standing here?

4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: This is a dream

A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.

Reasons I’m not married:

– Am focusing on my karate career

– Wedding could clash with karate class

– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training

– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class

– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate

I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.

THERAPIST: What do you wish for?

WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things

ME: For the dog to talk

Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION

Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years

Helpful sayings when keys are lost:

“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”

Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.

“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.

I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.