wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
The pasta is now
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I only say stupid things when I talk.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night