wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
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I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
one of
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
If a woman asks if you “notice anything new” tell her “I do, your beauty surprises me every day.” Then continue thinking about velociraptors
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself