Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.

My Wife wasn’t.

She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.

Odd, we don’t own a dog.

Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.

mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?

You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

Reasons my 4yr old is crying:

She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.

Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.

Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

Batman V Superman 2:

Both men agree their last battle was too destructive

They settle their differences by playing Uno

Loser leaves earth

Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.

—me flirting with a chemist

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.

Her: You should feel right at home then.

Me: 😐

My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.

I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib

Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?

Her: don’t

Me: exuberant

Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion

You can tell a lot about someone by the stuff you make up in your head about them.

I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed

Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells

Wife: Who. Was. She

“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head

Me: *about to go into a meeting*

My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird

[ first day of 5th grade ]

Teacher: Carly?

Carlie: Here

Teacher: No the other one

Karrlee: I’m Here

Teacher: Not you

Qar’leigh: Me?

Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.