Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!

I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation

Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.

I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:

dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.

“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?

My nose won’t stop running.

But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.

parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”

“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”

kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

https://video.twimg.com/tweet_video/FusASVGXoAE0tMd.mp4

Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive

How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.

Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

For my second date with my husband we met in NYC and went to a party and ended up at a McDonald’s at 3:00 AM where he reached across the table, grabbed my hands, looked at me adoringly, and said “I hate this. I wanted to go to bed at 9:00. Do not expect this of me again.”

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.

I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.

To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.

I hate when people can’t let go of the past.

Debt collectors are the worst.

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“