wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
You Might Also Like
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
saw that musical. didn’t care for it.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
[guy who’s about to invent restaurants]
*eating alone* what if i added social anxiety to this
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting