Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Interviewer: What skills do you have?

Me: Mind control

Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB

I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”

Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”

I’ve been day drinking espresso martinis if anyone needs some trees chopped down

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.

Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.

“GUYS! WAKE UP! SOME DUDE JUST ATE CARL!”

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

When they try to steal your moment.

Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –

Apologies in advance to my coroner

You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.

my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.

Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.

[alien parasite invasion]

ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host

#Caturday

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently

I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter

Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired

Me: A rat becomes a chef

Movie Exec: ok

Me: A dog plays basketball

Movie Exec: Good

Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school

Movie Exec: Get out

[baby taking first step]

ME: OMG! He’s doing it!

BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic

I’m not saying I order from Amazon a lot, but I just received a wedding invitation from my delivery guy…

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*