I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
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Her : You hang up first. nnMe : *click*
50% off moms tomorrow!
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream