@UncleBob56

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

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@shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@AnOrangeSNES

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

@Cheeseboy22

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

@Sarcasticsapien

[walks up to coworker’s desk]
I know I don’t say this often enough, but thank you for not showing me pictures of your kids.

@Marlebean

Kids: CARROTS?!

Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.

@johnbiehl

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

@impaulmccoy

My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.

@fro_vo

DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream