Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?

Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE

*quietly adjusts thermostat*

my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

The legends were true

I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.

LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO

You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

[morning]

her: did you dream about me?

me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?

her: umm no

me: then no

Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…

But that’s none of my business

*sniffs date’s hair*
[later on in ambulance]
“no, it’s my fault for not mentioning I’m allergic to japanese cherry blossoms”

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded

Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.

Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.

HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump

ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen

Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?

Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.