Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
GM✌🏻
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
It’s password awareness Friday.
Today I offer free consulting.
Send me a password and I tell you if it’s strong.