Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess

Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?

Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.

ㅤ

DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers

me: but i want it

ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no

“You can’t just erase people out of your life”

Me:

“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too late

Bananas

I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”

Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.

WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?

[When your mom calls you by your full name]

Mom: Scoobert Doobert!

Scooby: Ruh roh

My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.

guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse

Men love me.
Germs fear me.

Or vice versa, whatever

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom

Me: What are you doing?

Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.

Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.

Wife: