Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[at movie theatre]
Me (whispers): …it