@david8hughes

Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies

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@Kryzazy

Relationship status: I hide snacks from myself and get mad when I can’t find them.

@mdob11

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁

@DairylandDon

Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.

@LurkAtHomeMom

The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.

@Cpin42

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

@SunshineJarboly

when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo

@HeyZeus666

Fatherhood Tip : If there’s puke in your coat pocket and poop on your shoulder, you’re holding the baby upside down.

@Kerfuckus

Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at movie theatre]

Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it