Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
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[walking out of restaurant]
DATE: let’s do this again
ME: thank god I’m starving
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Autocorrect is my menesis
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…
Or watch it, even.
I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.