Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.

Him: you watch too much Food Network

Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote

Him: its toast and jelly

76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.

Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away

please lobotomize me

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?

Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.

If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.

I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.

“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.

“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”

“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.

I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.

Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet

Red carpet: I’m so bruised.

Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”

“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”

– How to put on glasses.

The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.

Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?