Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
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Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Note to self: just because it’s in the map app’s directions doesn’t mean the road is paved.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.