Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How dare this person in traffic delay me by mere seconds on my way to a location that doesn’t require my immediate presence

My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”

I pointed to my daughter.

[at the general store]

me: one general please

Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….

The thief is spending less
than my wife did.

My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”

[Opportunity knocks]

Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.

[Plays air guitar]

[Dodges air panties]

Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat

Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years

we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it

“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.

I got 4 hours of sleep.

“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”

[gym]

me: please wipe that down when you’re done

guy at urinal: what

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

[first day as a baker]

boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?

me: you said to make donuts

b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!

m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too

Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.

Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?

Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.

On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.

In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.

When you’re here for the treats.

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool