wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
You Might Also Like
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
idk why doctors only give stickers to kids?
like hello i was also brave today
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
🤣🤣💀
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
Once again not all heroes wear capes
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Don’t tell me about your wild weekend. My TV remote died and I switched the batteries around, and now it’s working.
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry