Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

Rapunzel: … Why tho

Witch: I wanna climb the tower

Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here

Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you

Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link

Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99

Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?

Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with

Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.

Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.

How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people

Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off

Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.

I would never let MY child act like that.

-things my friends without kids say.

At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police

me: i’d like to buy a data storage system

assistant: hard drive

me: yes the freeway was gridlocked

She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.

I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.

I can’t wheat to see her!

I’m in loaf.

Stop the Internet. I want to get off.

Genie: what are your three wishes

Me: make me a waffle

[suddenly I am a waffle]

Me: no, like a waffle to eat

[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]

Me: no! for me to eat

[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]

Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon

a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you

I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.

Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?

me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief

also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom

My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?

My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.

So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this