WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
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The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
I can’t work out if the pilot taxiing towards the terminal window is doing a huge yawn or his brakes have failed.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
stages of moving house
1. omg i have so much stuff i’m so stressed
2. wait i don’t have that much left i’ll be fine
3. omg i have way more stuff than i thought
4. fuck. the kitchen
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature?
Tequila mockingbird.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
I can’t wait!
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*