wife: where are the beans?
me: i made phones with the cans.
wife: can i talk to you in the kitchen?
small voice echoing from the kitchen: you can now.
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1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
I hope they boil the right one.
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
wowww it’s 2021 here in korea!! wanna know what the future is like?!!
– it is dark out
– everyone is asian
– my grandma is gently snoring
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”