Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

we will divorce one (1) billionaire every week until our demands are met

Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do

Google: Call 911

Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE

the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.

[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]

somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol

I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.

[several months ago]

BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby

JAY-Z: How many we got

BEYONCÉ: One

JAY-Z: Not a problem

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

Women drinking coffee.

My three favorite things.

roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.

Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!

Me: Weird…

911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?

‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out

I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning

You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely

When libraries troll their patrons.

I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.